Embrace the Unknown - for profesora

It is almost a year since I wrote Lala Diaries. Last summer I entered a difficult stage where my body simply dissolved, melted on Beijing heat. After three heat strokes I stopped going out and for 2 weeks ate only toast and light food. I lost weight and turned into a 46 kg shadow. Generally feeling lost and still trying to hold pieces of my life that felt familiar: home, work, dogs, Y. K was further and further away. Disconnected without even a memory of the connection. Each time I would gather some strength I'd try to check if it came back and even bigger disappointment discovering that we were miles apart. Most of the time I was angry for my realization - I was spinning that emotional wheel for a while.

I am not sure if I want to go into details of that journey, I feel right now that I have survived the storm, ship sank, I am on an island.

Today, I celebrate for three reasons: 10 year aniversary of Belgrade bombing, one year anniversary since the separation with K and the fact that somebody asked me to continue writing Lala Diaries since it helps them in their soul searching.

Today I celebrate life, sanity, forgiveness, learning and growth. Above all I celebrate love.

Embrace the Unknown

Black panther crossed my road today. “I am safe,” I thought while she stared at me with an intention. “Embrace the unknown, let go of control, cross the border of your limits – where will you go?” I swear I could hear her talk. Pangs of fear induced blood into my heart, what does one do when faced with a such natural might? Is that death I am facing?


The animal paces slowly around me, forming an invisible cage … I sit in the middle of the circle to meditate, determined as Buddha – still far away from the final destination. A thought appears: "Many have been here before" – brave conclusion. Panther stops and breathes heavily… the beast is my teacher, the extreme of action, my ultimate reaction. Slowing breathing down.

I ask hastily: “If you were my death what would the message be?”
“This is the end, shall we go?” it responds as if it was happening already. Linear direction of time starts going in circles, I am in trance going deep and deeper still. Past – future continuum distant, relative, secluded, wide open. For a speck of time I witness distant memories, butterflies of forgotten images. In and out, merely a peak and then it stops suddenly as it began.

I am here, now, ready to go.